Last night I dreamed everyone was trying to kill me. I woke up screaming so loud my child was awakened from her bedroom down the hall and she had to get up to wake me up and assure me I was dreaming. Every time I returned to sleep, scared as shit, the dream picked right up again. I screamed all night long.  Was it the drugs or the comment thread? I’m a very fragile masturbator. Just be warned. I might snap and head out with my nunchucks.

I have failed to post here in a while.  The best I can say is that my dreams of late have been lovely. I have been waking up with a smile.  Technicolor Felliniesque updates promised soon. All names will be changed to protect the innocent.



I had the most yummy dream. I was back living at home with my family (a common scenario) and they decided to remodel and there were scores of construction workers around… so many that they had to have their own catered food service, complete with liquor and champagne….  I guess I’d had sex with a few of them but had trouble keeping their names straight but one in particular was the one I really liked… he looked like Sawyer from LOST, but not quite so handsome…. I couldn’t remember his name so kept listening keenly to everyone as they spoke to him trying to pick it up from conversation. Turns out it was JD or James (Sawyer’s real name) but I was to call him Jamie. We were in love. I felt that feeling of whatever chemical it is that releases in your brain when you’re in the first flushes of love. Then the house turned into a beach house and my stuff was all over the place and there was a constant mess of food, beer cans, you name it from the many construction workers both male and female who had now moved into the house which had increased in size exponentially but it was so wonderful living on the beach….. and the guys would do my laundry and help me because I was the one who had brought all of the building supplies in originally, driving a huge bulldozer through the snow. Yeah. Snow.

Jamie began to show signs of restlessness. I was always hanging around waiting for him to show up.  He started talking of moving back to Texas. I took a map and closed my eyes and played the ‘where should I move” game.. and my finger landed on MIssissippi. Had to be somewhere on the water I said. The map I was using only had the east coast on it. There was no Seattle or California, etc. 
Then Jamie’s wife showed up with their 2 kids. She had been in a mental institution for a while but was doing better. I tried to befriend her and be supportive of Jamie but he withdrew. My friend (who was me, just a double) tried to get me out of the house to do something… go shopping…. go to a bar and get drunk… whatever… she said to ask Jamie to come along so he could have a break from the invalid wife as well. I knew he wouldn’t want to come but asked anyway. He said no…  
I woke up. The idea of moving to Mississipi still fresh in my head. Go to Mississippi! Make a difference. New Orleans! Help with the rebuilding. Help with the libraries. Help the children……
And the warm feeling of having had sex and love with Jamie (Sawyer) even though it went sour, as all things do. I wonder if I will ever be in love again. If I will ever have that feeling of euphoria and intense desire. A reciprocated desire. Someone to love me as much as I love them, or even just a little. I’ve been telling myself I don’t care about that, that it’s all just a big lie anyway, men and women are inherently at odds and nothing ever works out. But a part of me doesn’t want to give up on it and grow old and die without having that at least once more in my life. Now I’m depressed.  Better get to Mississippi.


Ugggh….. a confusing one. There is my mattress and tapestry outside of a house in NYC, but there’s no room in the house for me so I sleep outside on the sidewalk with my tapestry hanging down blocking the street. It occurs to me that I have been lucky no one has accosted me in my sleep.  Inside the house there is a huge family, including my ex-husband’s family, and all I want is a cup of coffee…. searching and searching for the coffee. There’s also unlimited rodents and ruminants roaming freely throughout the house. And then there’s a giant aquarium with two cats mating in it.. I’m tapping on the glass madly so that they will stop before they drown… they’re down at the bottom of the tank and I want them to come up for air. They do but then they’re back at it again….down at the bottom of the tank.  Then there’s a whole crowd folks sitting around on the lawn… kind of a giant outdoor stadium type thing and this Asian woman and young girl approach Gary (the ex) and say “will you watch the baby for us?” Gary has no idea who these people are but they are dumping the screaming baby on him…..  he’s like “no! no! I’m not just taking your baby for the day… how do I know you will be back?” The lady is telling the baby “you stay with Gary…..” baby is screaming. I intervene and take the shrieking child who is in a box with wet bedding and filthy. I wash the bedding and try to clean the baby up… I’m going to save this baby!!!!!

Then there’s this guy crawling over me to get to the window, he’s wearing sweat pants but somehow his balls manage to dangle into my mouth…..  i am freaking out…  like he thinks I did it on purpose…. I’m trying to speak but no words will come out…. i’m just doing a muffled scream.. then an old gypsy lady brings me a bottle half  full of some green liquid and says i have to drink it cause the guy had a disease… I’m like “i didn’t have skin to skin contact” and she’s like “well it’s such a bad disease you should take the medicine anyway”… like it would permeate the sweatpants he had on regardless…  meanwhile there are rats, mice, hamsters , lambs , all varieties of rodents and ruminants…… just running all over the place……

If I don’t tell anyone, nobody will know how I live these days. It’s basically like this: sleep, sleep, eat a bit, drink more, watch tv and sleep again.,, with a dash of  work. It’s not much of a life but it’s what I’ve got for now. Often, I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams. It’s a struggle to hang on. But I do. And nobody knows how unraveled I have become. Or do they? It’s probably obvious in my manner, my lack of focus, my tendency to tear up, my inability to walk very well. I’m constantly reminded of the scene in Melancholia where Kirsten Dunst tells her father she is having trouble walking…. I feel that way almost every minute of the day. A delicate thread keeps me tethered to this world. 

I was with him, the one, and a group of people at an outside bar. I hadn’t had alcohol in a while but had one Cosmopolitan. We were on our way to see Ted Kennedy speak. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go because I knew it would be crowded and I would have to use the bathroom and it would be a hassle and that one drink had really hit me hard. But my old high school buddy Caroline M. was going with us too so I put my shoes on with some effort and followed them up the hill. The next thing I know I was waking up in bed with him and he said “you don’t remember what happened do you?” I insisted I had only had one drink and no, I didn’t remember what happened. But I asked if Caroline was the girl who had given him the infection. He wouldn’t answer. I said “You have always lied to me.” And I left. I was leaving forever. Because nothing is worse than a person who pretends to be honest by telling half of the truth.

I left and walked to a beach but my legs gave out, as always, and I could not get up. An old Mexican man came to try to help me but he was too old and his legs could not hold him up either. Finally, we managed to get up and walked along a dirty shore, in dirty water back to the street I had come from. The old man turned into a sweet young girl who had on a dirty dress so I offered to buy her a new one, speaking my broken Spanish with her. We were in a boutique, rather too expensive for me, but I didn’t care since she had been so kind to me. Another Latino young man came up and asked if I would listen to a vegetarian poem he had written. I was hesitant and trying to find appropriate “ropa” for la chica, but relented. Every time he’d start, I’d have to interrupt to help the little girl with the dresses. Finally I was back on the shore repeating the poem he had recited for me. I cannot remember it now. It had something to do with spending years wandering and waiting and looking for something. Something that was never there. Something I had to cease looking for. I was alone on a polluted shore under a beautiful gasoline streaked sky.

This one has me feeling like some serious psych help is needed. Too detailed and disgusting to give the whole story. Rainn Wilson starring in a tale of murder, incest and animal abuse. Sometimes I am Rainn, sometimes I am a casual observer. Mostly a casual observer watching the movie. A Stephen King on acid with some Charlie Manson thrown in kind of movie. In fact Rainn does mention Charlie Manson at one point in the dream. Basically Rainn plays the part of ______ (can’t remember name) who lives with his murderous parents and has an incestuous relationship with his abusive mother, played by some fairly attractive middle aged actress. But there are the actors and there are the real people they are portraying in the movie. So it’s real. The real people are not nearly as attractive as the actors playing them. A complicated plot involving leaving the hinterlands of Alaska where they escaped to after the trial where Rainn was found guilty of child molestation, to return to the city where the trial was and exact their revenge. Incest thrown in for good measure all along the way. Graphic. Disturbing. All three of these family members, mother, father and  son Rainn are psycho killers. Rainn cannot be trusted around any human, but mostly little boys. And kittens. The looming threat of kitten abuse was prevalent throughout the psycho-drama. Fortunately, no kittens were ever harmed. The same cannot be said for MY psyche which is damaged and stunned upon awakening. I’m scared. My head hurts. I feel injured.

Toby and I were in Tennessee or somewhere we’d never go but we had driven somewhere but then to get back, we got on this wild mass transit train that was more like a roller coaster. First we were together inside and then he disappeared and i was sitting in the front car on the uncovered outside with this older guy i didn’t know. The train would go through buildings then back outside again, then through buildings and rooms. At one point i could see the skyline of the city and it was huge but there were two giant round moons setting on the horizon, kind of overlapping and i thought it was the sun and moon overlapping and i’m like wow look at that and toby is like so what, big deal. .And we passed through a building and a lady was chasing a tiny tiny little pig up the stairs and all this other weird shit was passing by and i was thinking wow I’ve been to NYC and I’ve never seen weird shit like this… who would have thought it here in this little nowhere town?? And all of a sudden the little pig was loose on the train so i got it and was trying to hold on to it cause the roller coaster effect was getting more dramatic and it had a harness on and i kept telling the guy to grab the pig and i couldn’t figure out where toby was and the guy was kind of creepy. There were mules on the front of the train and I couldn’t figure out why they needed the mules if it was an electric mass transit train. At one point we were in a total nose dive going down a tunnel/hallway.

So the train finally stopped but when I went to the back toby was with all these scientist/spy types in the back and toby was Steve Carrell and he had two black eyes and i was like what happened to you/? “I got in a fight”…why’d you leave me? “I wanted to be with the party, man”” …. and the little pig had almost died and we were pouring water on it and it came to life it was all covered in poop i was asking for a towel to clean it up. The scientist/spy guys were like “you were really drunk and passed out” and i was like no i didn’t drink anything i swear,, do you think he drugged me? And they were all grim and had these cultures they were growing out and there was another girl there who had apparently been the victim of the old man too…. they wouldn’t say what was wrong with me. And then the gum started coming out my mouth i was gagging, kept pulling it out and they were sampling it and they wouldn’t tell me what i had. I couldn’t get the stuff to stop coming out my mouth.

Finally i woke up and realized i was dreaming but then looked in the mirror and saw how awful i looked and was worrying about the creamed corn wrestling and what i was gonna wear.. I had sunburn starting just above my knees cause I’d had on long shorts in the sun, and my ass looked so awful. Then I looked in the mirror and my neck was like a foot long and i looked awful and i shook my head and raised my arms trying to get myself back to normal and another head (mine also) appeared for just a second when i was shaking my head and i ran downstairs and my neices were there and i was crying and my sister was sewing in the next room and i was crying and put my head down on the couch but there were all these straight pins and they got stuck in my tongue and lips and i was going to pull them out but them i realized i was dreaming and woke up.

Then i was at toby’s house and it was like this apartment that is always in my recurring dreams. The apartment that is haunted and has been lived in by hobos in my absence. And he had fixed it up a little and Ali was there sewing beautiful lavender slip covers for these loveseats and it was like she was living there and I said wow those are so beautiful and she said yes, it’s a color special to me and toby, but thanks for the ducks…. and I looked up and there was a mobile of some wooden birds I must have given to Toby, hanging from the window. I went into the kitchen and toby was running around yelling at the girls and it was him but he didn’t look like him . he looked more like the little mexican guy from That 70’s Show. And he was like on mega speed and these wooden sticks started growing out of my mouth and they were long, like bamboo skewers and i couldnt’ talk or cry or do anything and they were so dense and toby starts screaming “you got a bamboo beard.. you got a bamboo beard”… and he was trying to grab it and i woke up laughing.

So I thought I had the recurring “back in college/ they realized i’m a fake/ I have to go back to high school” dream all solved and it was over. But it is not over. I had another one last night. It’s always the same, more or less,  and it never ends. I’m lost, trying to figure out if I ever passed the last exam, I know everyone knows I’m a fraud… and then I find out I’ve been worrying for nothing… it’s all okay. Nobody cares.

The fact that this one will NOT die is significant.

Last night’s dreaming was an epic multi-layered horror flick that went on for hours… i can’t even begin to describe it. I started to try but gave up because of the complexity of the plot and multiple sub plots…. instead i’ll tell about my recurring dream where I have a huge dick and balls… like my female parts just swell up and stick out and I get all embarrassed but yet weirdly turned on…. and when I’m not turned on they shrink down to regular female parts….. so obvious I suppose…. does it mean (a) I want to fuck myself (b) I have been fucking myself over my whole life (c) i’m gay (d) I’m a victim of some sexual crime (e) I want to fuck the world or (f) all of the above…..

I feel I’m becoming unhinged.