sawyer

 

I had the most yummy dream. I was back living at home with my family (a common scenario) and they decided to remodel and there were scores of construction workers around… so many that they had to have their own catered food service, complete with liquor and champagne….  I guess I’d had sex with a few of them but had trouble keeping their names straight but one in particular was the one I really liked… he looked like Sawyer from LOST, but not quite so handsome…. I couldn’t remember his name so kept listening keenly to everyone as they spoke to him trying to pick it up from conversation. Turns out it was JD or James (Sawyer’s real name) but I was to call him Jamie. We were in love. I felt that feeling of whatever chemical it is that releases in your brain when you’re in the first flushes of love. Then the house turned into a beach house and my stuff was all over the place and there was a constant mess of food, beer cans, you name it from the many construction workers both male and female who had now moved into the house which had increased in size exponentially but it was so wonderful living on the beach….. and the guys would do my laundry and help me because I was the one who had brought all of the building supplies in originally, driving a huge bulldozer through the snow. Yeah. Snow.

Jamie began to show signs of restlessness. I was always hanging around waiting for him to show up.  He started talking of moving back to Texas. I took a map and closed my eyes and played the ‘where should I move” game.. and my finger landed on MIssissippi. Had to be somewhere on the water I said. The map I was using only had the east coast on it. There was no Seattle or California, etc. 
Then Jamie’s wife showed up with their 2 kids. She had been in a mental institution for a while but was doing better. I tried to befriend her and be supportive of Jamie but he withdrew. My friend (who was me, just a double) tried to get me out of the house to do something… go shopping…. go to a bar and get drunk… whatever… she said to ask Jamie to come along so he could have a break from the invalid wife as well. I knew he wouldn’t want to come but asked anyway. He said no…  
I woke up. The idea of moving to Mississipi still fresh in my head. Go to Mississippi! Make a difference. New Orleans! Help with the rebuilding. Help with the libraries. Help the children……
And the warm feeling of having had sex and love with Jamie (Sawyer) even though it went sour, as all things do. I wonder if I will ever be in love again. If I will ever have that feeling of euphoria and intense desire. A reciprocated desire. Someone to love me as much as I love them, or even just a little. I’ve been telling myself I don’t care about that, that it’s all just a big lie anyway, men and women are inherently at odds and nothing ever works out. But a part of me doesn’t want to give up on it and grow old and die without having that at least once more in my life. Now I’m depressed.  Better get to Mississippi.
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