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tard_nunchucks

Last night I dreamed everyone was trying to kill me. I woke up screaming so loud my child was awakened from her bedroom down the hall and she had to get up to wake me up and assure me I was dreaming. Every time I returned to sleep, scared as shit, the dream picked right up again. I screamed all night long.  Was it the drugs or the comment thread? I’m a very fragile masturbator. Just be warned. I might snap and head out with my nunchucks.

sawyer

 

I had the most yummy dream. I was back living at home with my family (a common scenario) and they decided to remodel and there were scores of construction workers around… so many that they had to have their own catered food service, complete with liquor and champagne….  I guess I’d had sex with a few of them but had trouble keeping their names straight but one in particular was the one I really liked… he looked like Sawyer from LOST, but not quite so handsome…. I couldn’t remember his name so kept listening keenly to everyone as they spoke to him trying to pick it up from conversation. Turns out it was JD or James (Sawyer’s real name) but I was to call him Jamie. We were in love. I felt that feeling of whatever chemical it is that releases in your brain when you’re in the first flushes of love. Then the house turned into a beach house and my stuff was all over the place and there was a constant mess of food, beer cans, you name it from the many construction workers both male and female who had now moved into the house which had increased in size exponentially but it was so wonderful living on the beach….. and the guys would do my laundry and help me because I was the one who had brought all of the building supplies in originally, driving a huge bulldozer through the snow. Yeah. Snow.

Jamie began to show signs of restlessness. I was always hanging around waiting for him to show up.  He started talking of moving back to Texas. I took a map and closed my eyes and played the ‘where should I move” game.. and my finger landed on MIssissippi. Had to be somewhere on the water I said. The map I was using only had the east coast on it. There was no Seattle or California, etc. 
Then Jamie’s wife showed up with their 2 kids. She had been in a mental institution for a while but was doing better. I tried to befriend her and be supportive of Jamie but he withdrew. My friend (who was me, just a double) tried to get me out of the house to do something… go shopping…. go to a bar and get drunk… whatever… she said to ask Jamie to come along so he could have a break from the invalid wife as well. I knew he wouldn’t want to come but asked anyway. He said no…  
I woke up. The idea of moving to Mississipi still fresh in my head. Go to Mississippi! Make a difference. New Orleans! Help with the rebuilding. Help with the libraries. Help the children……
And the warm feeling of having had sex and love with Jamie (Sawyer) even though it went sour, as all things do. I wonder if I will ever be in love again. If I will ever have that feeling of euphoria and intense desire. A reciprocated desire. Someone to love me as much as I love them, or even just a little. I’ve been telling myself I don’t care about that, that it’s all just a big lie anyway, men and women are inherently at odds and nothing ever works out. But a part of me doesn’t want to give up on it and grow old and die without having that at least once more in my life. Now I’m depressed.  Better get to Mississippi.

swimming-cat-3

Ugggh….. a confusing one. There is my mattress and tapestry outside of a house in NYC, but there’s no room in the house for me so I sleep outside on the sidewalk with my tapestry hanging down blocking the street. It occurs to me that I have been lucky no one has accosted me in my sleep.  Inside the house there is a huge family, including my ex-husband’s family, and all I want is a cup of coffee…. searching and searching for the coffee. There’s also unlimited rodents and ruminants roaming freely throughout the house. And then there’s a giant aquarium with two cats mating in it.. I’m tapping on the glass madly so that they will stop before they drown… they’re down at the bottom of the tank and I want them to come up for air. They do but then they’re back at it again….down at the bottom of the tank.  Then there’s a whole crowd folks sitting around on the lawn… kind of a giant outdoor stadium type thing and this Asian woman and young girl approach Gary (the ex) and say “will you watch the baby for us?” Gary has no idea who these people are but they are dumping the screaming baby on him…..  he’s like “no! no! I’m not just taking your baby for the day… how do I know you will be back?” The lady is telling the baby “you stay with Gary…..” baby is screaming. I intervene and take the shrieking child who is in a box with wet bedding and filthy. I wash the bedding and try to clean the baby up… I’m going to save this baby!!!!!

Then there’s this guy crawling over me to get to the window, he’s wearing sweat pants but somehow his balls manage to dangle into my mouth…..  i am freaking out…  like he thinks I did it on purpose…. I’m trying to speak but no words will come out…. i’m just doing a muffled scream.. then an old gypsy lady brings me a bottle half  full of some green liquid and says i have to drink it cause the guy had a disease… I’m like “i didn’t have skin to skin contact” and she’s like “well it’s such a bad disease you should take the medicine anyway”… like it would permeate the sweatpants he had on regardless…  meanwhile there are rats, mice, hamsters , lambs , all varieties of rodents and ruminants…… just running all over the place……

Toby and I were in Tennessee or somewhere we’d never go but we had driven somewhere but then to get back, we got on this wild mass transit train that was more like a roller coaster. First we were together inside and then he disappeared and i was sitting in the front car on the uncovered outside with this older guy i didn’t know. The train would go through buildings then back outside again, then through buildings and rooms. At one point i could see the skyline of the city and it was huge but there were two giant round moons setting on the horizon, kind of overlapping and i thought it was the sun and moon overlapping and i’m like wow look at that and toby is like so what, big deal. .And we passed through a building and a lady was chasing a tiny tiny little pig up the stairs and all this other weird shit was passing by and i was thinking wow I’ve been to NYC and I’ve never seen weird shit like this… who would have thought it here in this little nowhere town?? And all of a sudden the little pig was loose on the train so i got it and was trying to hold on to it cause the roller coaster effect was getting more dramatic and it had a harness on and i kept telling the guy to grab the pig and i couldn’t figure out where toby was and the guy was kind of creepy. There were mules on the front of the train and I couldn’t figure out why they needed the mules if it was an electric mass transit train. At one point we were in a total nose dive going down a tunnel/hallway.

So the train finally stopped but when I went to the back toby was with all these scientist/spy types in the back and toby was Steve Carrell and he had two black eyes and i was like what happened to you/? “I got in a fight”…why’d you leave me? “I wanted to be with the party, man”” …. and the little pig had almost died and we were pouring water on it and it came to life it was all covered in poop i was asking for a towel to clean it up. The scientist/spy guys were like “you were really drunk and passed out” and i was like no i didn’t drink anything i swear,, do you think he drugged me? And they were all grim and had these cultures they were growing out and there was another girl there who had apparently been the victim of the old man too…. they wouldn’t say what was wrong with me. And then the gum started coming out my mouth i was gagging, kept pulling it out and they were sampling it and they wouldn’t tell me what i had. I couldn’t get the stuff to stop coming out my mouth.

Finally i woke up and realized i was dreaming but then looked in the mirror and saw how awful i looked and was worrying about the creamed corn wrestling and what i was gonna wear.. I had sunburn starting just above my knees cause I’d had on long shorts in the sun, and my ass looked so awful. Then I looked in the mirror and my neck was like a foot long and i looked awful and i shook my head and raised my arms trying to get myself back to normal and another head (mine also) appeared for just a second when i was shaking my head and i ran downstairs and my neices were there and i was crying and my sister was sewing in the next room and i was crying and put my head down on the couch but there were all these straight pins and they got stuck in my tongue and lips and i was going to pull them out but them i realized i was dreaming and woke up.

Then i was at toby’s house and it was like this apartment that is always in my recurring dreams. The apartment that is haunted and has been lived in by hobos in my absence. And he had fixed it up a little and Ali was there sewing beautiful lavender slip covers for these loveseats and it was like she was living there and I said wow those are so beautiful and she said yes, it’s a color special to me and toby, but thanks for the ducks…. and I looked up and there was a mobile of some wooden birds I must have given to Toby, hanging from the window. I went into the kitchen and toby was running around yelling at the girls and it was him but he didn’t look like him . he looked more like the little mexican guy from That 70’s Show. And he was like on mega speed and these wooden sticks started growing out of my mouth and they were long, like bamboo skewers and i couldnt’ talk or cry or do anything and they were so dense and toby starts screaming “you got a bamboo beard.. you got a bamboo beard”… and he was trying to grab it and i woke up laughing.

Last night’s dreaming was an epic multi-layered horror flick that went on for hours… i can’t even begin to describe it. I started to try but gave up because of the complexity of the plot and multiple sub plots…. instead i’ll tell about my recurring dream where I have a huge dick and balls… like my female parts just swell up and stick out and I get all embarrassed but yet weirdly turned on…. and when I’m not turned on they shrink down to regular female parts….. so obvious I suppose…. does it mean (a) I want to fuck myself (b) I have been fucking myself over my whole life (c) i’m gay (d) I’m a victim of some sexual crime (e) I want to fuck the world or (f) all of the above…..

I feel I’m becoming unhinged.

The recurring High School Dream Resolved!

First the family part. Back home in SC for a visit. It went surprisingly well despite a few creepy things involving my dad, the rape of a black girl, etc. It went on an on… that was the nighttime part of the dream … but then i realized my dad was dead so ….. the morning part of the dream which resumed after a brief waking…..

At the end of my trip i was sitting around the table with my mom, sisters, and brother in law. It was time for me to leave and i started to cry … i apologized for the way i had acted in the past. “Jjust because you’re not west coast liberals doesn’t mean you’re not good people. I am not ashamed of you. I love you and i’m sorry. ” All was forgiven. But a football game was on so they all got up and left me at the table with my brother (not brother in law) who proceeded to torment me and i said “you… i will never want to talk to you, you will always be a pain in the ass to me and just leave me alone.”

On to school. I had to get to high school/college. My mom/sister/best friend was driving me cause i was going to be late. It was also goodbye to the family. Like the school was really back in Seattle or somewhere. Along the way we saw them taping a segment of American Idol but the competition was of some equestrians riding three horses around campus. Then some people with pets doing some choreographed ball chasing routine. But the pets (giant pets) were really just people dressed in dog and cat costumes and one was the Sandbag from Supersmash Brothers Brawl. I commented that it was really lame.

On to school. I get there and head to math. Then I realize it’s a new semester so I’m not in that class anymore. I go to the office and ask for my schedule. They give it to me and it’s all fluff courses like one titled “Cheesecake” which is a gym class for exercise directed at the thighs and buttocks. And a spiritual retreat. I’m like … there’s no math on here at all. All I needed was the math. I have a Master’s already. There’s this guy security guard type in the office and he takes me to where the grades from the last semester are posted. I am telling him why I’m even there.. just that one math credit. I have my Masters for christsakes….. He’s like “who told you you had to do this??” I couldn’t remember. I find the grade book and I am below the students with D’s, with no grade. I’m telling him I think I should just forget this . Who is ever going to know? I need to get on with my life. I need to quit hanging out with 15 year olds. I ask if he thinks I’m like that lady on Strangers With Candy. He agrees that it has all been a waste of time. Nobody is ever going to question if i passed high school math. I have my Master’s. (did I mention that???)

I wake up and realize I could not have received my diplomas from HS, Undergrad or Grad school if I didn’t have the passing grades and credits. This dream, ladies and gents, has finally been resolved!!!!!!! I hope.

UPDATE: duhhhhh… I just realized the “Cheesecake class and the Spiritual class were my subconscious telling me to do something about those two neglected areas of my life…….  that’s why you keep a dreamblog…..

I really don’t remember what I dreamt last night. I went to bed with a couple of glasses of wine in me, a heavy dose of cough syrup for this bloody cough that is killing me, and a valium. I had to sleep in the upright position so the lungs wouldn’t fill up with whatever it is they’re trying to purge during the night. Amazingly, I slept pretty well. And I woke up with a feeling of strange clarity about my situation. My situation is complicated on all levels but I think if I tackle one little chunk at a time I can figure it out. Sometimes being sick can be a gift. It can take you off the treadmill and plunk you down on the side of the circus road and force you to stop the madness. I’m not saying I’m mentally cured. Just saying I think I have a clue about what I need to do now.

I was in the classic library/law firm nightmarish combo job. First Susan Taylor Wall (the dragon lady atty. i worked with a lifetime ago) was working on some case about a disabled girl…. i kept getting lost in the office… i was frantically trying to catch up . The computers were all old non-gui… i was having trouble. I was thinking to myself about how i used to be so scared of her ( i was always scared of all the female attorneys) but now it was all just fine….. then I was at a conference of some type with a bunch of librarians/lawyers and we were in NYC and all the young hot lawyers were hitting on H and T (da girl) and other young cute librarians but I was with them so i figured i’d be in on the action too. We were on some kind of ferris wheel like thing and T says theres’ Danny… looking across the street and I’m like Danny? Danny who? I was looking for Danny O. but she says Danny K. And I’m like what??? How do you know Danny K? I fucked Danny K !!! And she and H are all like oh we met him in NYC…. we fucked him too. So I say we have to go over there (he was at a bus stop waiting for a bus) so we grabbed our little mini Oscars and ran over but he was already gone.

I kept trying to get details from T about how they knew him but she was strangely secretive about it. I said “we have to go put our little Oscars back” so we went back to the convention place and T went to lunch with someone else and I kept asking H about it and she got all huffy like “why would he even want to talk to you?”…. and i said i knew him back in SC when he was a professor before he got all famous… i’ve tried emailing his firm in NYC but he apparently is now working more full time on movie production so i haven’t’ been able to get in touch with him. She’s like why would he want to hear from you? I say I want to talk to him about a movie idea. She smirks and says “you are so into yourself. ” what? … “you just waited 15 minutes hanging out with me so you could grill me about Danny. ” I’m like oh right H it’s all about YOU…… all about YOU…… she runs off to catch a bus to have lunch with someone else.

I am alone in NYC. I get into what i think is a cab but then realize its’ just a station wagon with no driver. I’m in the back seat and mistakenly think there’s some kind of system where they have driverless taxis on a rail or something but then realize its just a car without a driver….. it finally crashes into some parked cars. I get out but no one realizes I was even in it. In fact, nobody seems particularly concerned about the crash. I start to ask someone to call the police but then decide just to walk away to avoid any unnecessary trouble. I am wearing a nice dress and coat but realize I’ve lost my purse somewhere along the way… probably left it at the convention center.

I find myself lost and random men walk by and grab my ass and i’m scared. It’s a really seedy part of town. I’m wearing heels…. it’s hard to navigate in this getup. There’s a dark very steep tiled alley but i see an escalator at the top of the alley so i try to get up there but it’s soo hard in the heels and this one guy like a meat packer or something says” hold up buddy” to his friend and just pushes me by my ass up to the escalator. Thanks!

I get on the escalator but get stuck at the end again…. damned heels. These guys in suits comment on why are you wearing those shoes walking around the city and i tell them i’m lost so they agree to put me in the right direction to the convention center or at least Times Square or somewhere i will recognize. We walk and walk …they are nice but at some point I fall behind because we stop at some kind of shop and the one guy is all of a sudden naked. He’s getting his suit cleaned so he’s just walking around naked. I’m cool with it. I take my dress off but now i’m wearing a shirt underneath so i’m not naked but then we leave and i can’t get the dress on that easily and by the time I get it on and I’m outside the door the men are gone. I’m lost again. Now i haven’t even got a coat. ….no purse. …no money. Strange men are lurking around again. There are no safe looking places to ask for help. I see some other guys who are strangely like the first guys , in suits and ask them to help me find Times Square. I explain my dilemma. They are super nice. One is Jim from the tv show The Office. ….he holds my hand. Turns out he is the same guy that had been naked while his suit was being cleaned but neither of us seems to remember that until we stop in at a yoga class for kids and H is there again saying how cool it is that he would exercise on his lunch break and I’m laughing like “exercise? he was getting his suit cleaned”… but then we are shushed by the yoga teacher and leave.

We finally come upon some other people and i’m lying in an open cart perhaps a horse drawn carriage with two girls, one i know (is it still H???) – the other is Hayden Panettiere and one of them says your dress is kinda revealing, low, you know…. and I’m like no it’s not and Hayden says “you just can’t pull it off.” …..and i’m like oh right miss Hayden Panettiere…. i’m pulling at her boobs…..Miss 17 year old probably still a virgin… laughing.. of course you’re not you’re dating that hot dude from Heroes and she says “yes i am still a virgin… it’s fun.” Then I look down and notice my shirt is messed up under my dress and you can see the unshaven armpits and i’m like oh…. now i get what you mean and she gives me a knowing nod.

Then i turn into Melanie Griffith and somehow i know where the nice guys live and apparently I am now living in their building in a really cool loft. There’s a sign on the door when everyone arrives at the guys’ building saying Welcome to the Mayor of NYCs new home… come in…..

The other girls in the group are like “great…she’s moved into your building” but I know it’s just a fresh start for me/Melanie and she/I won’t be glomming on to the guys… just friends…. just people to start her/me on our way….. but now i’m me looking at this happening and saying I bet she bought a lotto ticket…. and everyone’s walking around the loft admiring it and yep. I/Melanie bought a winning lotto ticket.

The phone rings and I/Melanie am looking for my cell but it’s my real life phone so I wake up strangely satisfied and happy.

I was watching T’s (da boy’s) retarded cousin, kind of a fat gross middle aged dude, and he peed on my floor and when i went to talk to him about it he had on these long underwear but he had a HUGE erection.. HUGE. His name was Max. I was on the phone with T while it was all happening and I was screaming “oh my god, oh my god” but we lost the connection

I had been calling him Carl by mistake so when I told T Carl peed on the floor he didn’t get who i was talking about at first. So I’m like “is his name Max? I’ve been calling him Carl”….. He was some relation to T, maybe not a cousin. I don’t know. And I was all like “I don’t know what it is about me that makes people keep doing this” because apparently in addition to my dachshund, others had been peeing all over my house.

Then I was on the street outside the house (which was my grandma’s house) and my mom was next to me on one of those reclining lawn chairs. She was drunk out of her mind. There were all these gangsters around on the street and in their trucks and they were having sex right out in the open. One of them was going to mess me up but then realized I wasn’t who she thought I was so she told me to go home. I went home and left my mother on the lawn chair. There was a strange old lady at the house who had been called in to look after my daughter. I had no idea who she was but she was at first a small little doll and then she morphed into a regular size person who I definitely did NOT like. She was scolding me for not walking my daughter to the bus stop in the mornings. She was apparently there at the behest of my mother who had disappeared by this point. I asked her if my mom was in rehab and she said no, she had to go see Victor. I was like “who the hell is Victor?” and the lady (now a nice black lady) said well I was with him for a while but your mom needed to be with him now. I don’t know who the hell Victor is.

mostly my dreams have not been that great lately because of my intense alcohol consumption

http://artghost.blogspot.com/ Liz Wong, illustrator


So cute. A mommy dog and her pup were in the hotel at the beach where I was staying. Or at least I thought I was staying there. I was looking for my friends but couldn’t find them. We were at the beach and my friend Beth’s sister Linda said just stay in my place (rather than the hotel we had checked into) so at Linda’s place there was everything you could want but in particular there was bourbon, valium (HUGE valium), and a giant drawer filled with nothing but Q-Tips. My boyfriend and his kids were there except instead of just his two daughters he had 6 sons as well and few extra daughters. Some I liked …. others just hated me. There was stress because of the kids so I just kept drinking the bourbon and taking the valium. I was saying to myself “it’s always been this way. I’m always the outsider that nobody likes. Everyone gets along but nobody likes me”. I lost track of my friends and went back to the original hotel where I thought we had checked in but couldn’t remember where it was or what room we were in but I went into this one hotel and there was the Great Dane with her pup in the hallway. She was a beautiful silky gray with neon pink spots. Incredible.