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If I don’t tell anyone, nobody will know how I live these days. It’s basically like this: sleep, sleep, eat a bit, drink more, watch tv and sleep again.,, with a dash of  work. It’s not much of a life but it’s what I’ve got for now. Often, I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams. It’s a struggle to hang on. But I do. And nobody knows how unraveled I have become. Or do they? It’s probably obvious in my manner, my lack of focus, my tendency to tear up, my inability to walk very well. I’m constantly reminded of the scene in Melancholia where Kirsten Dunst tells her father she is having trouble walking…. I feel that way almost every minute of the day. A delicate thread keeps me tethered to this world. 

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tard_nunchucks

Last night I dreamed everyone was trying to kill me. I woke up screaming so loud my child was awakened from her bedroom down the hall and she had to get up to wake me up and assure me I was dreaming. Every time I returned to sleep, scared as shit, the dream picked right up again. I screamed all night long.  Was it the drugs or the comment thread? I’m a very fragile masturbator. Just be warned. I might snap and head out with my nunchucks.

I have failed to post here in a while.  The best I can say is that my dreams of late have been lovely. I have been waking up with a smile.  Technicolor Felliniesque updates promised soon. All names will be changed to protect the innocent.

swimming-cat-3

Ugggh….. a confusing one. There is my mattress and tapestry outside of a house in NYC, but there’s no room in the house for me so I sleep outside on the sidewalk with my tapestry hanging down blocking the street. It occurs to me that I have been lucky no one has accosted me in my sleep.  Inside the house there is a huge family, including my ex-husband’s family, and all I want is a cup of coffee…. searching and searching for the coffee. There’s also unlimited rodents and ruminants roaming freely throughout the house. And then there’s a giant aquarium with two cats mating in it.. I’m tapping on the glass madly so that they will stop before they drown… they’re down at the bottom of the tank and I want them to come up for air. They do but then they’re back at it again….down at the bottom of the tank.  Then there’s a whole crowd folks sitting around on the lawn… kind of a giant outdoor stadium type thing and this Asian woman and young girl approach Gary (the ex) and say “will you watch the baby for us?” Gary has no idea who these people are but they are dumping the screaming baby on him…..  he’s like “no! no! I’m not just taking your baby for the day… how do I know you will be back?” The lady is telling the baby “you stay with Gary…..” baby is screaming. I intervene and take the shrieking child who is in a box with wet bedding and filthy. I wash the bedding and try to clean the baby up… I’m going to save this baby!!!!!

Then there’s this guy crawling over me to get to the window, he’s wearing sweat pants but somehow his balls manage to dangle into my mouth…..  i am freaking out…  like he thinks I did it on purpose…. I’m trying to speak but no words will come out…. i’m just doing a muffled scream.. then an old gypsy lady brings me a bottle half  full of some green liquid and says i have to drink it cause the guy had a disease… I’m like “i didn’t have skin to skin contact” and she’s like “well it’s such a bad disease you should take the medicine anyway”… like it would permeate the sweatpants he had on regardless…  meanwhile there are rats, mice, hamsters , lambs , all varieties of rodents and ruminants…… just running all over the place……

I was with him, the one, and a group of people at an outside bar. I hadn’t had alcohol in a while but had one Cosmopolitan. We were on our way to see Ted Kennedy speak. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go because I knew it would be crowded and I would have to use the bathroom and it would be a hassle and that one drink had really hit me hard. But my old high school buddy Caroline M. was going with us too so I put my shoes on with some effort and followed them up the hill. The next thing I know I was waking up in bed with him and he said “you don’t remember what happened do you?” I insisted I had only had one drink and no, I didn’t remember what happened. But I asked if Caroline was the girl who had given him the infection. He wouldn’t answer. I said “You have always lied to me.” And I left. I was leaving forever. Because nothing is worse than a person who pretends to be honest by telling half of the truth.

I left and walked to a beach but my legs gave out, as always, and I could not get up. An old Mexican man came to try to help me but he was too old and his legs could not hold him up either. Finally, we managed to get up and walked along a dirty shore, in dirty water back to the street I had come from. The old man turned into a sweet young girl who had on a dirty dress so I offered to buy her a new one, speaking my broken Spanish with her. We were in a boutique, rather too expensive for me, but I didn’t care since she had been so kind to me. Another Latino young man came up and asked if I would listen to a vegetarian poem he had written. I was hesitant and trying to find appropriate “ropa” for la chica, but relented. Every time he’d start, I’d have to interrupt to help the little girl with the dresses. Finally I was back on the shore repeating the poem he had recited for me. I cannot remember it now. It had something to do with spending years wandering and waiting and looking for something. Something that was never there. Something I had to cease looking for. I was alone on a polluted shore under a beautiful gasoline streaked sky.

This one has me feeling like some serious psych help is needed. Too detailed and disgusting to give the whole story. Rainn Wilson starring in a tale of murder, incest and animal abuse. Sometimes I am Rainn, sometimes I am a casual observer. Mostly a casual observer watching the movie. A Stephen King on acid with some Charlie Manson thrown in kind of movie. In fact Rainn does mention Charlie Manson at one point in the dream. Basically Rainn plays the part of ______ (can’t remember name) who lives with his murderous parents and has an incestuous relationship with his abusive mother, played by some fairly attractive middle aged actress. But there are the actors and there are the real people they are portraying in the movie. So it’s real. The real people are not nearly as attractive as the actors playing them. A complicated plot involving leaving the hinterlands of Alaska where they escaped to after the trial where Rainn was found guilty of child molestation, to return to the city where the trial was and exact their revenge. Incest thrown in for good measure all along the way. Graphic. Disturbing. All three of these family members, mother, father and  son Rainn are psycho killers. Rainn cannot be trusted around any human, but mostly little boys. And kittens. The looming threat of kitten abuse was prevalent throughout the psycho-drama. Fortunately, no kittens were ever harmed. The same cannot be said for MY psyche which is damaged and stunned upon awakening. I’m scared. My head hurts. I feel injured.

So I thought I had the recurring “back in college/ they realized i’m a fake/ I have to go back to high school” dream all solved and it was over. But it is not over. I had another one last night. It’s always the same, more or less,  and it never ends. I’m lost, trying to figure out if I ever passed the last exam, I know everyone knows I’m a fraud… and then I find out I’ve been worrying for nothing… it’s all okay. Nobody cares.

The fact that this one will NOT die is significant.

This is an abbreviated version of my mid-morning dream. I’m back at home and my sister Susan is there with her girlfriend (she’s now a lesbian… very cute and young, not the old conservative lady that she is in reality) and they’re on the couch having fun. I am obsessed with cleaning the house – it’s a total disaster .. so i go in and ask them to help.. just clean the “banquette”…. whatever…

In the room where they are my sister has a Tiffany lamp and the top part is really a little donkey and the little donkey can’t keep standing up, it’s little legs keep buckling under and i’m afraid they’re going to break right off… she tells me the donkey spent the entire summer on the farm leaning on the garden gate.. he’ll be okay…. I start to cry because he is so sweet and sad….

Earlier in the dream I was at the library trying to help an old lady check out and trying to log on to the computer without success ( a recurring theme) … I was bitching everybody out…. an old boyfriend from high school appeared… now working at the library .. Randy Hudson.. he looked just like he did in high school…. there was a big stage and we were playing guitar hero with a screen that was the size of a huge movie theater screen….   then there was an exercise class where everyone wore really funky clothes and I was sticking straight pins in elaborate patterned designs on my legs and feet. But the straight pins started to fall out so I had to take them all out. There was no pain until I had to take them out….  there were thousands of them….  i couldn’t contain them from spilling all over the carpet everywhere… i kept trying to pick them up ….  they looked really cool when they were in my legs and feet…. 

perhaps i’m onto something….. 

The recurring High School Dream Resolved!

First the family part. Back home in SC for a visit. It went surprisingly well despite a few creepy things involving my dad, the rape of a black girl, etc. It went on an on… that was the nighttime part of the dream … but then i realized my dad was dead so ….. the morning part of the dream which resumed after a brief waking…..

At the end of my trip i was sitting around the table with my mom, sisters, and brother in law. It was time for me to leave and i started to cry … i apologized for the way i had acted in the past. “Jjust because you’re not west coast liberals doesn’t mean you’re not good people. I am not ashamed of you. I love you and i’m sorry. ” All was forgiven. But a football game was on so they all got up and left me at the table with my brother (not brother in law) who proceeded to torment me and i said “you… i will never want to talk to you, you will always be a pain in the ass to me and just leave me alone.”

On to school. I had to get to high school/college. My mom/sister/best friend was driving me cause i was going to be late. It was also goodbye to the family. Like the school was really back in Seattle or somewhere. Along the way we saw them taping a segment of American Idol but the competition was of some equestrians riding three horses around campus. Then some people with pets doing some choreographed ball chasing routine. But the pets (giant pets) were really just people dressed in dog and cat costumes and one was the Sandbag from Supersmash Brothers Brawl. I commented that it was really lame.

On to school. I get there and head to math. Then I realize it’s a new semester so I’m not in that class anymore. I go to the office and ask for my schedule. They give it to me and it’s all fluff courses like one titled “Cheesecake” which is a gym class for exercise directed at the thighs and buttocks. And a spiritual retreat. I’m like … there’s no math on here at all. All I needed was the math. I have a Master’s already. There’s this guy security guard type in the office and he takes me to where the grades from the last semester are posted. I am telling him why I’m even there.. just that one math credit. I have my Masters for christsakes….. He’s like “who told you you had to do this??” I couldn’t remember. I find the grade book and I am below the students with D’s, with no grade. I’m telling him I think I should just forget this . Who is ever going to know? I need to get on with my life. I need to quit hanging out with 15 year olds. I ask if he thinks I’m like that lady on Strangers With Candy. He agrees that it has all been a waste of time. Nobody is ever going to question if i passed high school math. I have my Master’s. (did I mention that???)

I wake up and realize I could not have received my diplomas from HS, Undergrad or Grad school if I didn’t have the passing grades and credits. This dream, ladies and gents, has finally been resolved!!!!!!! I hope.

UPDATE: duhhhhh… I just realized the “Cheesecake class and the Spiritual class were my subconscious telling me to do something about those two neglected areas of my life…….  that’s why you keep a dreamblog…..

T is sometimes my friend Tessa. T is other times my boy Toby. So you take it in context. When it’s girl shit, it’s Tessa… when it’s boy shit it’s Toby. But all names are to be protected here so all you’ll get is initials and this little hint about how to sort the T’s out.